20. A season in hell

As I looked around, I knew I didn’t make it. I was standing in a middle of a large shopping street swarmed with a million other lost souls, packed like a sardine who couldn’t afford the larger discount box, in a complete darkness below very depressing grey clouds, and equally depressing red neon signs.

I took a glance at the stores names- S&M, HIV, Virgin and Boots, from the latter I had noticed two gay men in leather coats going out of, a sleazy look on their faces. Straight in front of me I could see thousands of Indians, grumpy old women and girls of very low quality of beauty, all standing next to a sign that said- “Thai Lunch Special. All you can eat for only £14.95”. There was no doubt about it. I was in hell.

From a back alley I didn’t notice before, a tall man wearing a dark suit with a red tie, appearing to be a businessman or a lawyer was signaling me to follow him. As I have already assumed who this man was, I had no other choice than to comply. As we followed the dark alley, I had noticed a tiny white poodle walking next to him, making his otherwise very professional attire a little comical. After a minute of walking he stopped and stared right at me. He looked as if he was about to say something, but I was quicker. “Let’s cut the crap. I know exactly where I am, and probably several reasons that brought me here. I know I am in hell, and so, with a simple logical deduction, you must be the devil”. I said this in a very affirmative voice, a little surprised by my own courage.
“How did you know my name?”, he asked me, a little confused.
“Well, you don’t need a genius for that. So, let’s go straight to the point. Where and when am I supposed to get undressed, and who exactly is going to beat me up.”
He looked a little surprised, but appeared content all the same. “Get undressed? I didn’t know it is going to be so easy with you...”
“Listen, Mister. I am not up to any games. Do what you have to do, just let me know my obligations”, I said firmly.
“You really are something special, aren’t you? Well, I won’t complain. Let’s go to my house- it’s only a few blocks away”, he said, not without a shrill of excitement in his voice.
I was a little confused. “Go? to your house? Isn’t it supposed to be here, in this back alley, with pools of lava all over?”
“…”
He looked at me in fixation, this time completely speechless. Something did look wrong.
“Why is it so cold in here anyway?”, I asked. It took him a few seconds to go out of his temporary fixation, and he answered that it is actually a pretty good day in his opinion.
“A pretty good day? Well, for me it isn’t. I am dead, my blog is no longer working and now I am in hell”.

“Dead? In hell? Oh, now I get it!”, he laughed. “Many people make this mistake. You see, you are not in hell, but in central London, in a large street called Oxford Circus. I am not the devil, as you thought, but de-Ville, Jean Claude de-Ville. I am a Belgian, hm... beauty shop owner”.
“What about all these Fetish stores?”, I asked him, a little surprised by his latest explanation.
“Well- I assume you misread most of them. It is M&S, not S&M, Virgin is just a megastore, and such as HMV- the middle letter of this particular store does look like an I, I agree- so do not worry. You are in a very civilized place”. “What about Boots? The next thing you are going to tell me now that it’s just a pharmacy”, I continued to press him. “Well- here you partially correct for once”, he replied with a small grin. “Boots is a normal drugstore during the day, but it become a Fetish store at night”. I still looked confused and didn’t believe him.
“You don’t believe me, do you? Let’s ask my friend right there”. He pointed at a very attractive young woman, who was going out of a very shady-looking store, cleaning her mouth with a small piece of cloth. “She is beautiful- what is her name?”, I whispered to him in awe. “Yes, she is our best, hm... worker. Let’s say her name is Euridece”.
Euridece... such a beautiful name..., I thought to myself.
“Jacqulin!! Come here quick!”, he shouted at her direction.
I was a little surprised that he made a mistake in pronouncing her name. But such an innocent mistake can happen to any of us.
“Jean Claude- I am not £$%£ talking to you until you £$$^& pay me my £$%£^ salary for last month”, she shouted back in an angelic voice. I was totally in love by now.
“Jacquin, get your dirty little ass over here. I want you to meet Mr. M., who is convinced he is in hell and explain him we are in London”.
“Another freak... Just what I need now. Look, honey. I am not dealing with fetish. What you see is what you get. I can give you the full treatment for £250, or if you wish you can get also 10 minutes for £90”, she recited the store’s pricing. As I was of no need of any beauty product or treatment, I refused. “Beautiful Euridece, I am not interested in your generous treatments. All I want is to go out of this place. Now that I have met you, I want us to go together out of here”. I smiled at her, and she looked back at Jean-Claude with a hint of fear in her eyes. Jean-Claude laughed again and said to Euridece that everything is fine, that I am a good guy, and he trusts me to treat her right.
She was still not convinced, even when I declared my love to her, but Jean-Claude pressed her to go with me. I was the happiest person I was for a long time. “Good man, thank you so much for your priceless help so far. Would you be so kind to let me know the way out of here? I want to leave this dreadful place as quickly as possible”, I said. He didn’t answer until I handed him a bunch of notes bearing a lady with a crown on her head.

“Well, let me just tell you that it’s nearly impossible to get out of Oxford Circus today. The central and the Jubilee lines are again out of service, you won’t go anywhere by taking the bus with that traffic, and since there is a football game tonight, I doubt you will be able to pass Cerberus, the pub with the three-heads dog sign on its entrance.”
“I am not afraid of any challenges!”, I said in a heroic tone. “With the fair Euridece on my side, I can stand to everything!”. Euridece was standing next to a street-light, looking somewhat bored, making a balloon from her chewing-gum.
“Well, if you have decided to take Jacqu.. Euridece with you- beware! That lady loves shopping, and if you do not want to lose her, be sure to grab her hand the whole time, and not look back at her- or you will lose her forever.”

I listened to everything the man said, and started running away in haste, trying to beat the crowd and get the hell out of hell. Euridece was complaining the whole time that we are walking too fast, and that she is missing all the sales in the various windows. “No time, my love!”, I shouted to her direction while continuing to run and beat up old ladies as we passed them. “When we are out of here, I will buy you whatever you want”.
We have arrived near Cerberus pub and indeed, there were thousands of fat men with a beer belly and mugs in their fat hands, screaming their heads off and looking kind of unfriendly.
Fortunately, as Euridece was the only more-or-less fine looking woman in that city, all men started forming a circle around her, creating a small path through which it was possible to pass. “Don’t worry about me, I want to stay here. I saw so many discount shops I want to see
and I prefer that then spending time with losers like you”, she said in a brave voice.
“Euridece, I cannot leave you like this... I will never leave you like this!”, I said in despair.
“If you won’t leave right now, I will call the police”, she said in a cold voice, her hands already on a random fat man’s shoulders.
Although tears were running down my eyes and prevented me from seeing anything, somehow I managed to run away and leave London. I lost the love of my life, but my blog was alive again, and I was FREE.