4. How to make her dump the perfect boyfriend for you

So, you have fallen in love with a girl, only to find out she has a boyfriend.
Congratulations- you are now officially part of PLEASE- Pathetic Losers who are Either Absolutely Stupid or just Egocentric. In this very brief guide, we will teach you how to make her dump her perfect match, the man of her life, her future husband, for the strange individual that you are.
The first important thing- relax! If you think of it, from now on it can only be better: you can only win her, while he can only lose from here. Second, do not hate your opponent! On the contrary, he is your hero, the guy you want to replace. Give him the respect he deserves (that scum).
If she is in her first three weeks of the relationship, stay completely out of the picture- which means, no phone calls, no emails, etc. She must not be aware of your existence during that time, and let her enjoy herself for awhile. After three weeks, however, you should be noticed, but only one step at a time. You should never deny your feelings for her, but don't make her uncomfortable. If you are alone together, do not suggest any body contact, and never make her feel pressured. Above all, never speak of her relationship! This should be a strict taboo between the two of you, and will be only mentioned by her in the two very different occasions- if it is "oh, yes, also my boyfriend like that..." you know that game is over. If, however, she is speaking of troubles in her relationship, then you know that you are on the way to success. But more on that later.
First, try to make contact with her in a way you only can. There must be something that makes you stand out of the rest of the world. If there isn't, invent something. You must meet her for a reason- try to find something only she can help you at (If she needs your help, you don't need this guide). Act natural, do not panic if she doesn't show any signs of affection in the first time. Try to make that meeting a reoccurring thing. The goal should be that there is absolutely no question about meeting eachother again. When you have reached this step, you can be happy that the hardest part is over. Little by little, try to talk about relationships in general, and about your own. After a while, she should tell you she had a fight with her boyfriend yesterday, and that he is very strange sometimes. This is, of course, a very important moment for you, the awaited opportunity to step in and save the princess from the monster's lair.
But, and this is a big but, never forget that her boyfriend is also your hero, and you absolutely must defend him no matter what she says. The ideal conversation will be like this-
Girl: (in a high voice) ...and he told me...
You: (relaxed) No, he could possibly say THAT...
Girl: Oh yes, and he also...
You: Now, I'm sure you didn't understand him. I think he meant...
[and so on]
These conversations should repeat themselves for awhile. After the third reoccurring conversation, disappear again from the crime scene. Invent you are sick, go abroad, or just don't meet her. During this week she will dump him, and that gives you 2 weeks to win her yourself. As you have earned so many points with her already, proven trust-worthy and kind, you have a good chance to be next in line. Congratulations- you have officially ruined another stable relationship, and as a prize, you are entitled to three "Do I look fat in this dress?" phrases a day. Enjoy!