19. Tea with the dead (II)

Good morning to all my devoted readers, and welcome back to the popular section of the blog, "Tea with the dead" (©)
As the holidays are now approaching, most dead people tend to spend time with their families, or travel to Miami. Among the list of dead celebrities we wanted to bring here this time, the only two who were available were Anna Nicole Smith and Mr. death himself.
Since my readers enjoyment is my primary concern, and as much as I would like to, an interview with Anna Nicole Smith might be less valuable than to talk with death himself. He came a long way to here, so please, give him a warm welcome! [fake applauses and black confetti in the air]

DM: We are extremely honored to have you here. Thank you so much for coming.

D: The pleasure is all mine.

DM: Would you like milk and sugar in your tea, or you prefer it black?

D: Black, of course.

DM: I didn't think otherwise. So, I am sure you have a lot to tell us. First of all, you look very well.

D: Thank you.

DM: I mean, you look very well for someone who is in charge for so long.

D: Well, I exercise.

DM: But still, you were working for the last billion years, no?

D: Oh, not at all! We substitute every 66 years. I was appointed in 1946. The poor guy before me had two world wars to pass, so I guess I have nothing to complain about.

DM: 66 years? So it means you have 4 more years at work. How will you choose the next person in charge?

D: We already got 1,024 applications, and the grand final will be in a death metal concert in Buenos Aires. Everyone who has voted for the Republican party or fried ants with his glasses when he was young is eligible to participate.

DM: Why Buenos Aires?

D: Good food. Each one who was ever in charge is going to be on the jury. All 50 millions of us.

DM: Don't you think it will be noticed? I mean, that's a lot of guys dressed in black.

D: Fortunately, the London Olympics are taking place that time, so nobody will care.

DM: Well, good luck with that!

D: Thank you.

DM: How do you deal with all this fame and stardom? You are mentioned everyday in the newspapers, make numerous appearances in films- even in Disney movies.

D: Don't forget the many popular book titles I am mentioned: "Death in the afternoon", "Death in Venice", "Death in the Caribbeans".

DM: I didn't hear about the last one.

D: Yes, it wasn't as successful- but much more fun!

DM: Yet, something is bothering me. While we are now having this chat, hundreds of people die every minute. How can you explain it? Can you be in multiple places at once?

D: Oh, you didn't expect me to greet each one of them, did you? I am seeing only celebrities.

DM: And what about all the others?

D: They get an answering machine: "Hello, you have reached death. I am busy with other calls so please wait on line or die again later".

DM: That's quite mean.

D: Well, I have a black humor... But mind you, everyone does get a welcome pack once they are dead.

DM: Welcome pack? What's in it?

D: Toothbrush, small shampoo and soap samples, and if you happen to die in business class, also a pair of socks.

DM: I see. Well- that's a lot of new information... I have many more questions to ask you, but sadly, our time is up. Thank you so much for coming!

D: I am not going anywhere.

DM: I beg your pardon?

D: You cannot expect to invite death and let him walk away empty handed.

DM: What do you mean? Am I going to die?

D: Well, technically, the invitation was the initiative of "Daniel M.'s blog", so I guess I have to shut down and kill your blog.

DM: But... why? I didn't do anything! I have so many more ideas and things to write about. Don't do this!

D: That's what they all say.

DM: Seriously, that's a very bad idea.

D: I am sorry, but I have no other choice.

DM: Can't you just once disobey the orders?

D: That's another thing they all say.

DM: Won't you play chess with me before your fatal strike?

D: Nice try. It didn't help Bergman last year.

DM: I really cannot believe you.

D: You will pass the stage of denial..

DM: But you cannot do this to me, it's not possible!

D: ...anger..

DM: Stop mumbling, you son of a...

D: ...acceptance..

DM: Fine, continue.

D: ...weird, sudden happiness..

DM: When I think of it, I will finally have some time to spend with my daughter in the park.

D: ...realization..

DM: I don't have a daughter... But I could still take the tube to the park.

D: ...jewish realization..

DM: Maybe I will take a bus, it's cheaper.

D: ...and finally, famous last words..

DM: I knew we should have invited Anna Nicole Smith.

D: Well, it's all over now. Sorry for that. As much as I would like to say something clever or witty right now, I must run to my one o'clock meeting. It's Andrew Lloyd Webber, and believe me, I am already 10 years late for this one. For Daniel M.'s male readers- go to your favorite sports website or search for porn or something. For the ladies, hope there is a desparate housewives episode running on television right now. I will see each one of you in due time, so meanwhile- do something useful. Learn a foreign language; propose to the girl you love; find the cure for cancer; make love, not war; steal a candy from a baby; choke an old lady or two;
and enjoy life, while it lasts.