9. The hitchhikers guide to REAL London

Millions of people visit London every year. Heatrow Airport is Europe's busiest, and one of the world's biggest airports. Most of these people come to take pictures of the Big Ben (which they can easily find, within a click away, on the internet), see the boring weekly ceremony of the Queen's guards (which they can, again, find on youtube.com), and blend into million other Japanese tourists in Oxford street.
Some of them, god forbid, are even coming here to stay. Nobody knows why. Unfortunately for them, the only guides they can get are the fake ones- Lonely Planet, Time Out London, and so on. These are only recommending hotels and restaurants, and do not address the real issues that are important for you. In order to answer these burning questions, I have written the concise hitchhikers guide to REAL London.
In order to avoid my usual cynicism, I have started with the good things first:

* Weather- Yes, you are reading right. The weather in London is actually not bad at all, and at least much nicer than it is usually thought of. It is not raining that much and when it does, it is like someone is sneezing at you. True, it can be gray for long times, but while my dear friends in Europe and North America are freezing to death in the winter, I am getting a nice tan here. Well, almost.

Okay- that's basically it. Now for the really bad things:

* Price- Welcome to hell. When you are renting a small room at a flat with 3 other people extremely far off the center for £450 per month, you know that something is wrong.

* Transportation- Transportation is a huge problem in London. Due to the horrendous traffic, buses are moving slower than marijuana-smoking turtles, and not only they drive on the wrong side of the road, they don't know how to drive on it. I am almost getting killed twice a day (and three times on good fridays). However, that's nothing compared to the tube. I can recall only two journeys when there were no technical failures and everything was running smoothly. It is so rare, actually, that when all underground lines are working without failures at the same time, they will announce it proudly in the speakers. Usually the train is stopping somewhere and the conductor says- "Due to a signaling problem, we were forced to wait. We will be on our way shortly". I never understood what signaling problem meant, nor did anyone else I asked. Other than signaling problems you will hear sometimes nice announcements such as, "Due to a person under the train, there will be delays on the district line", all in a calm and polite British accent. The days when an announcer will say- "Due to an alien invasion, there will be minor delays on the circle line", are not that far off.

* Streets- London is huge. Much bigger than any other Western capital city, and even bigger than that. There are millions of streets in the city, with hundreds of variations- Oxford street, oxford lane, oxford circus, oxford road, oxford parkway, oxford parkway mews, and so on.
In order to find all of those, someone invented the notoriously small-font book called "A to Z", containing all streets in London. This someone was later responsible, so I am sure, of the center for the blind at King's Cross, as it is virtually impossible to see anything in it, let alone differ between all of those tiny little dots.
There are not so many funny street names in London, but I lived once near Swallow street. I know that's a name of a bird, but still, it is quite awkward to say that phrase- "Darling, are you going to Swallow tonight?"

* Women- Ever thought that most English men are gay? Well, you were right- but, I really cannot blame them. Apart from Kate Moss, almost all British girls are between ugly enough to extremely ugly. Last week, in my search for a room in London I have found a place, whose owner told me, without blinking, that she works as a stripper. Now, dear Gentlemen, if I was to see only 10 percent of her bare flesh, I would run to call the police.

* Classical Music- If you think Elgar is a contemporary composer, then London is the place for you! Only here you will be challenged with daring programs, such as Mozart's Jupiter Symphony followed by Mendelsshon violin concerto. And you thought that the IPO was conservative... The audience is not much better thought, barely clapping and cheering, acting as if they were, well, at a classical music concert.

* Food and drink- London is notorious for it's bad food, and rightly so. It is really bad, ridiculously expensive and all in very little portions. One of the popular chain restaurants, La Strada, is offering as an appetizer Caprese salad, which is basically one small tomato cut in four, with a small mozzarella cheese on the side, for the generous price of £7.90.
If you are fed up with those prices and have the possibility to cook at home- you have got a choice between three supermarkets: Tesco (mom, why does this chicken have three legs?), Sainsbury (For the million time, I don't have a Nectar card), and Waitrose (papa, let's not have caviar EVERY day).
Alcohol- London pubs are very nice, but finally when the alcohol starts working, the conversations become less boring and the British girls get less ugly, you have to leave because it's 23:30- closing hour.

* Christmas- Starts in London before Jesus was even conceived, on the 5th of November. After this date, it is virtually impossible to walk in Oxford circus. Actually, if one man starts walking in the beginning of Oxford circus on the 5th of November, he will arrive to the other side on Christmas eve.

* Oxford circus- The most awful place in the western world. Dante's real definition for hell. Avoid like the plague, if you can.

Well- time's up. I promise to update this guide another time, and you are welcome to leave your own ideas about London, and life in general. Until then, drive safely home, and regards to your wives.